The Autist and the Muse #
I can not think of a famous artist that did not, at one time or another, have a muse. I believe that it is practically a prerequisite, the fuel to the fire if you will. I once spoke about my relationships being like fire and gasoline and admitted that I was not sure which one I was. Miss Bonnie, the lady I was speaking to while sitting on her porch steps, had said… “You’re the fire Bill. You’re the Fire.”
Weather or not any of that is actually true, is irrelevant. The fact remains that I, like many before me, find Mice Elf to be inspired by very few people. And *most* of them just so happen to be female. Like the name of this website just so happens to be named after a lovely young lady that I had met the other night.
I keep finding Mice Elf looking back at that night and trying to figure out… What she did that made her so special to me. The answer really is not as sophisticated as my answers usually are either. She smiled at me for starters. Which may not seem like much, because to be Frank, nine out of ten times it usually isn’t. If you paid attention to how many smiles you seen on an average day, you *might* actually be surprised. I *know* I would be if I could actually intentionally do such a thing like that. I do however, believe that my subconscious mind pays attention to all of that and then some.
My poor, poor, lonely, tired brain. The inner conflict between my Autistic Self and my ADHD Self alone, is more than enough to drive a “normal” person to the brink of insanity I tell you! Only the people closest to me are fortunate enough to witness the comical conversations that we tend to have all by ourselves! As I spend nearly every single waking hour in my room. That is unless I have one of those “real jobs” that people tend to keep pushing me to get. Over and over, and over and over, and over and over again!
“The True definition of Insanity, Is doing the same thing over and over again… And expecting different results!” –They Say
I plead the fifth on my current “level” of sanity. I honestly could not tell you that I am sane, nor could I say that I am not. For all that I have been going through recently, and a lot of these things are things I cause Mice Elf! But AnyWho! I tend to keep a pretty good demeanor about me, all day… Every Day. But then again so do most psychopaths right? *Laughz*
Not that I am a psychopath, but there was a time then I actually considered Mice Elf to be a socialpath. This was of course, before I had found out about my Autism and this thing called “Alexithymia” and before you ask what the hell is that:
Alexithymia is a personality trait characterized by a severe difficulty in identifying, understanding, describing, and processing one's own emotions. Literally translating to "no words for emotions" from Greek, it affects roughly 10% of the general population and is often referred to as "emotional blindness". It is not classified as a mental health disorder, but rather as a subclinical trait or feature.
Date: <2026-10-07> (21:45) Author: Autistic -And- Foolish Lee
Thank God for Adderall #
Not Enough Dopamine To Take a $H!T! #
I just took my meds at 22:20 on 10/07/2026 so I can eat, take a shit, a shower, and try to get *something* accomplished. I probably should stop bringing my laptop to the throne room with me, but at times like these… I *need* all the dopamine that I can get!
I have been trying to write an article on some of these things. I have to believe that there are still some good people left in this world. Although they tend to be few and far in between. The majority of the world appear to be unaware of their status in being Mindless Slaves of the System. I can not express the amount of sadness that I feel for and from these poor souls. I mean, you can not fix a problem if you do not see that you have one, now can you?
I find Mice Elf fighting tooth and nail, day in and day out, and for what? I honestly don’t have a clue the majority of the time Mice Elf. There are times that I have to “shut it off” just in order to function in today’s society. And that is when I am fortunate enough to be able to “shut it off.” I have a link to a video that explains what I mean when I say “shut it off.” But I must say how funny and ironic it is when one of “them” try to tell me that they “understand.” Then go about trying to tell me how to act differently than I do. “No, don’t think like that. Think like this.” Got to love the amount of arrogance and conceitedness these people have! Not only do they believe that they are in control of their own lives, but they also believe that they have the right to tell others how to think and act as well. Little do they know that they are mere puppets. But AnyWho! Damn ADHD or whatever that is that keeps me switching from one topic to the next!
And that is *exactly* when the depression starts to kick in! Which is all a part of a very vicious cycle, that does not appear to have an end in sight. When I had first opened this laptop up those hours ago, I had intended to write about how I had came up with the name AuLivia. Although I know I am not the first to come up with it, because https://aulivia.com/ was already taken.
So, long story short, it is about a girl. It is always about a girl with me. But it is not in the *typical* way that it is *usually* about a girl though. Sure, I would *love* to get into a relationship with someone that can understand and speak my language. Who wouldn’t? But even though that is a long running fantasy of mine, I am not just looking for that person. I am also looking for other members of my “tribe” as well. And I do not really do any of this “on purpose.” It is more of a subconscious act or instinct even. But again, this is one of those things that I do not have the words to describe, and just try to make do with the limited amount of words that I can use that others would understand. Which is actually not that many if you really stop to think about it. Which I am not going to! Not right now!
Moving on…I often feel the need to write, like I am now. Primarily to get some of the congested thoughts that constantly swarm around in my head, out of there. But when my writings come out like this, and not the way that they are *supposed* to, or like my “Potential Self” would write them. It is almost always followed by yet another deep feeling of what I can only assume to be sadness or remorse even? Hell if I know! It’s one of those not-so-good feelings, that’s all I know. *Shrugs*
So, *this* article that I want to write, is *supposed* to be about how Adderall is truly a gift from God. *BUT!* It really only helps me do things that I usually would not be able to do without it. Let me rephrase that, it really only helps me do *some* things that I usually would not be able to do without it. There are still quite a bit of things that I still can not make Mice Elf do, even with the Adderall.
Then you get one of “them” asking you, when you act a certain way, if it’s because the medicine isn’t working. Bajeezus! They have no idea how frustrating it is to have to live in their world, speak their language, try to act the way that *they* think you should act… And then have to answer questions like that while desperately trying not to insult their intelligence the way that they constantly insult yours. Oh man, now it’s coming out! Now I am “started.”
While we are on the subject, they also don’t know that we can *feel* their disappointment is us. And that is when we are lucky enough to have only disappointed them. My personal favorite is when they are \disgusted* by us. That’s always a fun one! When they look down on us in such a way that… Ahem. Moving on.
Yeah, and I am one of the more fortunate ones of “us.” There are quite a few of “us” that don’t even have the slightest of clues that they are one of “us” to begin with. That my friend, is also another sad sight to see. But! That topic will have to wait for another time! I have spent enough time in the throne room and enough time on this laptop. I must say though, this is actually one of the very few things that I am actually happy that I had purchased. And don’t tell anyone, but it’s actually a MacBook! Shh! I have a reputation to uphold! Thank you for your time!
Date: <2026-10-07> (23:33) Author: Autistic -And- Foolish Lee
Notes for the next time: The Throne Room and my Autistic Diet!